The day he said, "COME FLY WITH ME".

I perceive myself as a mystical fairy of sorts. I know, crazy, but hear me out. Fairies can not be captured. Fairies do not like to be bored. They are feisty, beautiful, free, and they abhor boredom. I have been drawn to mystical fairies. I have even had a picture of the "Fire Dance" fairy by, Amy Brown, tattooed on my upper back. This fairy signifies me.

I began to envision myself as a mystical fairy years ago. I began to collect figurines of fairies and then, I began to notice characteristics of what I perceived a faerie's would be, to emulate from me. I found that, at one time not long ago, I could not have just one man in my life. I needed several. I did not want to have them "capture" me and claim me as their own, so I stayed distant, but close enough to keep them around, and thinking they were the only one for me. I was deceitful, but it was my world and I liked it that way. I saw myself as this little fairy that jumped from one flowering bush to another. When that first bunch of flowers started to get boring, then off I would fly to another flowering bush. It could be a bush I had visited many times before, or it could be a brand new bush. It all depended on how I felt when I got bored at the flowers I was currently "visiting". Ok, so I have a vivid imagination, but this is the analogy I use for my own thinking. It fits me.

I began to feel myself wanting someone else to "fly" with. I was wanting to settle down but it had to be with someone that totally understood me. Allowed me to be me. Be tolerant of my moodiness, bossiness, my loving, my freedom, and my need to NOT be bored. I have been through 2 divorces and since my last divorce, 2 engagements to be married. I was not doing to well in this area of my life. So I made me a list of characteristics that I wanted in a lifetime partner. I checked it often. The relationships I began to encounter, when something did not match up with my list, died quickly, Then I just gave up. I was going to "fly" by myself and enjoy my adventures of life, all to myself. I had accepted that and was finally okay with being alone. Then I met him, and he said what I have always wanted to hear. I never thought I would every hear those words from anyone.

It happened in the grocery store. We were looking for some kind of spice, in the spice aisle. He suddenly seemed to have a light bulb go off in his head and he said, " I know where that spice is, Chrissy." He said that he thought it was in another aisle. He realized he did not have my full attention, because I was still scanning the spice shelves with my eyes. Then he said it. He said, " Come fly with me. Come on. Fly with me." Now that got my attention. I said, "What did you say?" I must have had a grin that went from ear to ear. I snuggled into his chest and looked up at his lips ( I just LOVE his lips. )as, he repeated what he said. I felt so free at that moment. He just "spoke my language". I took his hand, after kissing him right there, in the spice aisle of the grocery store, and he took me to where the spice was.

Ever since then we have been "flying" together. Conquering things as we go. No longer alone but together. It all began on the day he said, "COME FLY WITH ME!"

My "Different" Gift with Edward

I had an experience with Edward, just a few hours before he "graduated" to the next phase of life. He too, made my special gift I have, a gift, that I began to love, and to treasure. It is a unique gift and it is mine.

Edward was a gentleman that I became acquainted with at my place of worship. I was, what my religion at the time called, the Relief Society President. One of my responsibilities was to call on the individuals that were considered eligible for church food assistance and take their food order. I did this every other week. Edward was one of the people I was to call. I did. Every two weeks. He was a humble, meek and a sweet gentleman, and I always looked forward to taking his food order. After sometime, my position in the church was no longer my responsibility and I was "released" from that responsibility. I all ways stayed close to Edward.

One Sunday there was an announcement that included Edward. I found out that he had a stroke on the Friday that had just past, and he was still in the hospital. I worked at the hospital that he was in. I made a mental note to go and see him the next day on my first break of the morning. I knew I would not forget. I was a bit concerned, because I knew Edward, and I knew he did not have much family around. Monday came and my first break was at 9am. I found where he was located in the hospital and went to see him. I entered his room and felt that something was not right. He lay in his bed in what seemed to be, a deep sleep. I could not wake him by touching or speaking his name. I went to the nurses station and inquired on why he would not wake up when I tried to arouse him from his sleep. I was told that he was a "do not resuscitate", and that he had been unresponsive since that Friday. Then I knew what I needed to do.

I walked back to his room. I sat next to him. I placed my hand on his shoulder, and that is when the "energy" hit. I felt my wonderful friend Edward's soul. I felt his anxiousness, of this "change" that was sure to come. I felt the fear. That is when I spoke to him. I told him, " They will come for you, and when they do, it is OK to go. Everything will be just fine here. Everything will be taken care of here. " I felt his relief. I told him good bye, and that I appreciated knowing him. I left him sleeping deeply in his hospital bed.

I walked back to my office, thinking of Edward constantly. I called the nurses station on my lunch break, and that is when I was told that he had past, peacefully, at 10am. I was sad. I was going to miss Edward. This is when I began to love my gift, and the uniqueness of it. It is when I helped another. Thank you Edward. I miss you.

My "Different" Gift

I have a gift. It is one that is different. Some may say it is paranormal however, it is normal for me. I found that this gift is real. It has verified to me that there is life after this life. We do not just "end" when we die. We just move to a different phase. We move to a different energy level.

This is when I began to KNOW.

The call went over the intercom in the ER that there was a full cardiac arrest coming in. The trauma team was requested to suit up. I watched as the team suited up and quietly waited for the ambulance arrival. I wanted to watch the team. They always intrigued me with how efficient they were when this call came through. Everyone worked in sync. Everyone knew their job and they did it silently, quietly, and throughly. I had no idea that this time was going to be an experience for me that began an avalanche of more to come.

The ambulance arrived and the paramedics were working diligently on a gentleman that was laid out on a stretcher. He was not moving, and he was unconscious. CPR was being performed all the way into the ER. The trauma team took over. I watched from a distance in amazement as they transferred the gentleman to the bed that was designated for his revival. Today though, was the day that this man was not to be revived. This was the day that he was to begin his next phase of life. Today he was to die and return to his higher power, but it would not be with out an effort from the trauma team in the ER that day to hopefully bring him back to the present as we know it. I stood at a distance to watch all of this going on. It has always intrigued me to watch as everyone moves in unison doing what they do to revive those that are critical and are on the edge of this life and the next. Then it happened.

I had a rush of energy that started in my chest. It was overwhelming. I asked a good friend that was beside me if she too could feel what I was feeling. It was an energy that was invigorating. She had no such feeling. I did not want to leave or run from this feeling. It felt good in a way that is unexplainable. So I felt it and let it consume me. That is when I felt this man. He was not coming back. I knew this. I could sense where he was in that room with the trauma team all around him. He was present at the top of his bed by his head right next to nurse that was intubating him. He was grateful to all on that team for their efforts to revive his physical body, but he knew he could not go back into his physical form. He was done suffering. His body was sick, and full of pain. He was relieved to finally be out of it. He felt free. I stood there in amazement. I did not want that feeling to leave, but my shift was over and it was time to go. So I left, still in awe as I departed from the ER for that day.

Curiosity got to me. What in the world was that whole experience all about? Was what I felt true? Was it something I just made up? So the next day when I reported to work at the hospital I checked on that gentleman. I wanted to know the results of his visit, and this is what I found. He was a man that was battling lung cancer. Earlier that day he had just gotten home from a chemotherapy treatment and he was not feeling well. He began to cough, and the coughing just got worse, and would not stop. He called the paramedics and before they got there he began to go into cardiac arrest. When the paramedics arrived they began to do their best in preparing him for his ER visit, but to no avail, he past that day, when I was watching the trauma team work on him. He moved from this phase of life to the next. I was there. I felt his soul. I felt his energy.

That is the day that I KNEW I had a gift, and one that I have felt many more times since then. Now it is not scary. Now it is not strange, to me. It has taught me that when we, or a loved one, passes away they have "graduated" to another part of life. We will see them again. It is a time to celebrate them, and the life they lived. I know. I have felt some that have made the "graduation", and trust me, they are happier than they have ever been in this life. This I know because I have felt them. This is my gift. It is a gift that I treasure. It is a gift that brings me peace. It is a gift that is different.

The Sparkling Palm Tree

It was a warm, breezy fall evening here in Arizona.

I love Arizona for the weather here. The hot days for a few of the summer months are sometimes unbearable, but once that "hot as hell" weather is over, the wait is worth it. The wait had come to a close, and the "perfect" weather was here.

I had some experiences earlier in life that brought me to the understanding that every moment needs to treasured and lived to its fullest experience of me. This moment, I feel, I experienced to its fullest. It is one that I know has been implanted on my soul, and one that I will take with me to my next phase of life. This is what I am grateful for. Moments.

I had everything going for me. Finally. I had been wanting my oldest Son to be in Arizona with me, and here he was. I had wanted a life time partner to share my life with, and here he was. I could not have it any better, right then, right at that moment.

It was a warm, breezy fall evening here in Arizona. We decided to take a walk around my son's new apartment complex. It was a small group of us, myself, my life time partner, and my son and his girlfriend, were taking this walk together. We came to this little open courtyard. My heart began to swell. At that very moment, I had it just the way I wanted it. The people, the smells, the sounds, that I experienced, made my heart swell with joy. There were small pools of water. They made the most beautiful trickling sounds, as the water flowed into them. There were pretty flowers that were reaching for the sky and gently swaying in the evening breeze. There were picnic tables set off to one side and they were tucked away by some palm trees. I wanted to sit. I wanted to take it all in. To me, I was in paradise. So we all gravitated to the picnic tables. I began to look up, and what I saw was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. It is one that I just can not forget. I followed along with my eyes, the trunk of a long and lean palm tree. The fronds on this tree were blowing gracefully in the wind way above us all. I watched those leaves sway. I could hear them as they blew up against each other. It was a swishing sound that soothed my soul. I looked closer, because as the fronds moved with the breeze they twinkled. It was mesmerizing to me. I sat there looking up and tried to figure out how they were twinkling like that, and then I saw it. It was the moon. It was a full moon that evening, and it was reflecting off the fronds of that palm tree. That is when I took that moment into the depths of my soul. I had this consuming feeling of gratefulness for being able to experience that moment, with the beauty of nature, and with the presence of family and loved ones around me. I relished it. This is when I found that even the smallest moments can to be the most impressionable. This I know, because of my moment of the sparkling palm tree.

My Brother

I have a brother. I have only one brother. I know now why I have a brother. I did not understand in the beginning, that my brother would be in my life for a huge reason. That reason would be to save my life.

Step 1 was done. I had the note written. I was working on completing step 2. I had to call my brother to hear him perhaps one last time. I called. There was no answer. If he did not call me back then I would know that I had to follow all the way through with Step 3. Then the phone rang. I was driving, and I saw the caller ID. It was my brother. I answered. In between gut wrenching sobs, I told him I just could not go on anymore. I was over and out. I just could not do it, meaning life, anymore. The anxiety and now the depression engulfed me. I was surrendering myself to it. I just had no more fight in me. None. My brother knew my position. He too had suffered from this same life experience several years earlier. I got a call from him telling me the same thing. I knew he knew. I knew he would understand. I knew he would not judge.

I did what he said. I too, went to get help. I did just as he did several years before. That is why I was able to answer the phone to my brother calling me on that very night.

My brother then did more. He gently guided me back. Gently. He knew the climb back was not easy. He knew he needed to be there for me. He re-arranged his work schedule, and his plans with his little family. He lives in Colorado. I live in Arizona. He was there when I got discharged from the hospital. He knew it was not over, that the climb I was starting, was going to be a tough one. He was there to ease me back into it. He took me back to my home. He sat and talked to me for hours. He listened to me. He held me like a baby, as I sobbed from deep in my soul. He told me over and over that it will get better. He understood that I may not see the happiness and joy right away, but he promised me it would get better, and it did.

So I sit here with an overwhelming gratitude for my brother. My only brother. Yet he thanks me. He thanks me for protecting him from the abuse that ran rampant in our family we were born into. He thanks me for protecting him the best I could. He has a knowledge and acceptance of the pain, fear, terror and shame that was experienced by me when I protected my siblings. He understands how these experiences to this day, haunt me.

Now I know why I have a brother; only one brother. It is because ONE is all I needed to lift me off my surrendering knees. Thank you Cliff for saving my life.

When my life changed.

Then it happened. I hit bottom. I just could not live like I was for the past 3 years. I was living for "someone else" and now this "someone else" was gone for good. I had to figure out who I was. I had lost my identity in those 3 years. I had lived for someone else and had absolutely no clue as to who or what I was. That is when I hit bottom. I hit hard. I did not want to live anymore. I was so scared. The anxiety attacks were constant, all day long. These were full blown attacks at least 5 to 6 times a day; yet I still worked. Working on the edge emotionally and physically. I could not sleep, eat, or seem to have peace inside of me. My body reacted and I lost weight at a rapid speed. I was losing the weight, and then I lost it my mind.

I went to the hospital. I had to do something because I just could not live anymore. I have wonderful children and grand children yet I received no happiness or joy from them or there presence. I just wanted to be in my home, by myself. I was scared to go grocery shopping. I was just plain scared.

Then the climb back. The wonderful feeling of worth. I remember so well, when I was in the throws of this hell, how I thought things would never change and that I would always feel so gloomy, scared, anxious, and depressed. How wrong I was. How wrong.

I struggled through this time in my life. I had no clue how it was to turn out. Things began to change. I found my spiritual purpose. I found who I was. I was re birthed. It was the most wonderful time of my life.

I found, as the saying goes, "What does not kill you makes you stronger!", is absolutely TRUE. This could have killed me, but I would not let it. It has made me a stronger woman. I know my worth. I know my higher power. I now have a wonderful relationship with someone that I have been looking for all my life. If I had not gone through what I did 3 years ago I would NEVER fully appreciate what my life has progressed to. I would not have set an example to my children and grand children about depression and how it can be helped. It can be recovered from. It can be a re birthing of someone that has been sorely missed for a long time.... YOU with YOU.