And they wonder why I cried, when I sent my boys, Quentin and Kendall, back to Ohio on a jet plane last year. I tried. I really tried to not cry.
There was an understanding that I would see them again next year, next summer, but I know deep down that I may not see them again for a while. I knew there would be conflicts with their father. There always is. I knew there would be levels of frustration, sadness and helplessness for me. Some days are just overwhelming and just heartbreaking. That time has come. Those feelings have surfaced. The regrets flow deep. I have diligently and patiently waited for the time to come so I could purchase their plane tickets and have them again, for a few short weeks in the summer. And it all crashed down. I feel myself crashing with it. I tried to get a hold of their father, my ex-husband, and I was avoided. I tried getting a hold of the boys. I was avoided. When I finally posted something on Facebook, was when I got a response from one of my boys.
Both Quentin and Kendall are into playing football. Proudly I say that. They are good players. They need to condition for playing as well as they do. I understand that, but not communicating to me just upsets me. The fear my boys seem to have with their father and his wife, Tracy is frustrating. So I sit here. Heartbroken.
It hurts all the time. It feels like two huge parts of me have been ripped from my soul, and I am no longer complete. The consequences of making my decision to allow the boys to be with their father, as I took care of my first three children, that had no father, is now slamming me, and the regret for doing so is ever present. Daily.
I miss my boys, and wonder; do they truly know the heartache, the frustration, hurt, sadness and tears I have shed over not having them close? Do they know how many nights I look up to the stars and wonder if they are looking at the same star I am, and at that exact moment?
So as I sit here contemplating about the "special something" that I am to get from this experience. I have come to this.
Do not get attached to the "outcome" you wish to happen. When you do, and it does not "happen" the way you "imagined"; it can be heart breaking, soul wrenching, and devastating.
I love my children. I have experienced that children are my EVERYTHING, and when some are missing, it is sad, and dull, and makes life not feel like living. At least that is the way it is for me.
So they wonder why I cried when I sent my boys back to Ohio? Because I knew the moment would come that they would not be able to make their summer visit. That time has come.
Friday, April 20, 2012
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Why I Got a Feather Tattoo
It was a normal Saturday. Rick, my life time partner, and I were going to visit my son Brandon, who lives North of us. It is about a forty five minutes, to an hour drive, to get to where he lives. We were taking Rick's truck so that we could take some tools. Brandon's car was broken down and Rick was going to help him work on it.
I was hoisting myself up into the passenger seat, before I slid into the seat, I looked down and on the seat was a pretty, small, down feather. It was the soft brown and beige and off white colors. I picked the feather up, and had a good look at it. I then began to wonder where this feather came from. I started looking all around the truck looking for a jacket or something that may have been filled with down feathers. I wanted to know where that feather came from. I could not find anything. Rick got into the drivers seat. I said " Rick what is this?" as I held out the feather for him to view.
He replied, " A feather."
"Well, yeah but where did it come from?"
He just shrugged his shoulders. He did not know. So I shrugged, and put the feather in his console. In his truck.
This was not the last time I would see this feather.
I need to back track a bit. A few weeks before, Rick and I came to a cross road in our relationship. Our relationship was either going to continue, or it was going to end. I was leaning towards ending it. I made arrangements to rent a room from a friend. I had a job lined up. I just needed to express my feelings to Rick, but could not bring myself to voice my concerns. I did not have to. Rick came to me. He told me he could tell I was not happy. I agreed and told him I was preparing to go. He just told me to do it fast and quick. So the relief came, but when he asked when I would begin to move out, and I told him I could start the next day. He broke down, He wanted me to wait at least two weeks. "Think about it." he said, and he held me telling he how he could not believe he had lost me. It was heart wrenching. I did not have to physically slap him to wake him up, he did that himself. He began to see the reality of the situation. So I told him I would wait 2 weeks.
As the weeks went on, I began to feel that Rick and I had taken a turn in our relationship. I felt it deep inside. We had turned a corner and we "reconnected" again. I began to "know" that I had made the right decision to stay in our relationship. I just "knew" it.
Then the feather.
It is now Monday. The date is 2/7/2011. I am driving to work. My heart is full of deep gratitude for my experiences. I am feeling an immense calming feeling and a "knowing", that what I chose; staying in this relationship, was the most right thing for me. I fully trusted it.
I pulled into my place of employment's parking lot, and parked my Ford Mustang. I bent over to grab my bag and purse off the passenger seat, and that is when I saw it. It was the same feather, from Ricks truck, it was floating down and it landed softly on the passenger seat. I was stunned. I thought to myself, " Now how in the hell did that feather get into MY car? That feather was in RICKS truck on Saturday!"
That is when I heard "the message". This "message", started just two days before. It was a confirmation to me that I was choosing something that was going to be the right thing for me. Rick is the person I am to continue to share my life with. Rick is my lifetime partner and I can honestly say that the universe spoke to me, ever so softly and ever so lightly. I was spoken to by the universe, and I heard it, and it was all because of a little down feather.
When I look in the mirror everyday I see that feather tattooed over my heart with the date of when this "message" for me was received. I rejoice again in life and how wonderful it is. How lucky I am to have these moments and to really "KNOW" that there is a purpose to all we "do"/choose, and with all we are "being". When we are true to ourselves, awareness becomes more prevalent and the things that we experience become impacting.
They become eternal.
They are lasting.
That is why I got a feather tattoo.
I was hoisting myself up into the passenger seat, before I slid into the seat, I looked down and on the seat was a pretty, small, down feather. It was the soft brown and beige and off white colors. I picked the feather up, and had a good look at it. I then began to wonder where this feather came from. I started looking all around the truck looking for a jacket or something that may have been filled with down feathers. I wanted to know where that feather came from. I could not find anything. Rick got into the drivers seat. I said " Rick what is this?" as I held out the feather for him to view.
He replied, " A feather."
"Well, yeah but where did it come from?"
He just shrugged his shoulders. He did not know. So I shrugged, and put the feather in his console. In his truck.
This was not the last time I would see this feather.
I need to back track a bit. A few weeks before, Rick and I came to a cross road in our relationship. Our relationship was either going to continue, or it was going to end. I was leaning towards ending it. I made arrangements to rent a room from a friend. I had a job lined up. I just needed to express my feelings to Rick, but could not bring myself to voice my concerns. I did not have to. Rick came to me. He told me he could tell I was not happy. I agreed and told him I was preparing to go. He just told me to do it fast and quick. So the relief came, but when he asked when I would begin to move out, and I told him I could start the next day. He broke down, He wanted me to wait at least two weeks. "Think about it." he said, and he held me telling he how he could not believe he had lost me. It was heart wrenching. I did not have to physically slap him to wake him up, he did that himself. He began to see the reality of the situation. So I told him I would wait 2 weeks.
As the weeks went on, I began to feel that Rick and I had taken a turn in our relationship. I felt it deep inside. We had turned a corner and we "reconnected" again. I began to "know" that I had made the right decision to stay in our relationship. I just "knew" it.
Then the feather.
It is now Monday. The date is 2/7/2011. I am driving to work. My heart is full of deep gratitude for my experiences. I am feeling an immense calming feeling and a "knowing", that what I chose; staying in this relationship, was the most right thing for me. I fully trusted it.
I pulled into my place of employment's parking lot, and parked my Ford Mustang. I bent over to grab my bag and purse off the passenger seat, and that is when I saw it. It was the same feather, from Ricks truck, it was floating down and it landed softly on the passenger seat. I was stunned. I thought to myself, " Now how in the hell did that feather get into MY car? That feather was in RICKS truck on Saturday!"
That is when I heard "the message". This "message", started just two days before. It was a confirmation to me that I was choosing something that was going to be the right thing for me. Rick is the person I am to continue to share my life with. Rick is my lifetime partner and I can honestly say that the universe spoke to me, ever so softly and ever so lightly. I was spoken to by the universe, and I heard it, and it was all because of a little down feather.
When I look in the mirror everyday I see that feather tattooed over my heart with the date of when this "message" for me was received. I rejoice again in life and how wonderful it is. How lucky I am to have these moments and to really "KNOW" that there is a purpose to all we "do"/choose, and with all we are "being". When we are true to ourselves, awareness becomes more prevalent and the things that we experience become impacting.
They become eternal.
They are lasting.
That is why I got a feather tattoo.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Family Haters
This writing is, what some may perceive as "airing dirty laundry", however I perceive it as being transparent.
I found out who, in my family, the one I grew up in, really thinks of me. I am going to post what was posted on a social networking site, that we all are familiar with as Facebook. I want all to understand what happened and how it was dealt with, but also to perhaps understand, that it was an experience that helped me realize who this person is. Who I had to CUT.
It all began with a text. I woke up and there was a text from my Mom. It read : "My heart hurts". I did not get that text until I woke up the next morning. It was sent to me while I was sleeping. My first thought was, " I hope she is not having a heart attack!" But then, I know my Mom and realized someone must have hurt her. So I texted her back, kinda knowing she would not be up yet and I responded with "Why is your heart hurting? Who hurt you? " I did not hear from her. So I got on Facebook and checked out her site. She posted:
Jacqueline Corey's status
Jacqueline wrote: Being a Mom can be so painful.
I made a comment and it was this:
Chris Peterson Rucker commented on Jacqueline Corey's status.
Chris wrote: Only if you let it...You have done the best you can and that truly is all that is required and matters...if some can not see it...well fuck them...that is my philosophy and it has worked for me. Whatever happened to not "participating" ??? Do I have to send that lil note back to you??? Love you Mom...I am here for you...Now buck up and let it roll off ...That is what I do and trust me...It works wonders...LOVE YOU...Do you feel that??? GOOD ...because that is all that matters... :) <3
A few hours later here are the things that began a war with my brother-in-law/and sister, my Mom, and me.
Here is the comment made after my comment:
Eric Calaway commented on Jacqueline Corey's status.
Eric wrote: "You know Chris there are alot of young kids that have Jacqueline as a friend, and read her posting. Please show some self control and respect for others and control your language, And show some respect to your mother I know she dosent appreciate it at all."
This is when the "war" began:
Jacqueline Corey commented on her status.
Jacqueline wrote: "Thank you, Eric. I know and love Chris as she is. The language goes with it. I have learned to speak for myself and I feel she is more controlled that ever. No I did not take down your post, but if I could, I would send both of you to your room until you can hug and say "I'm sorry!""
Eric Calaway commented on Jacqueline Corey's status.
Eric wrote: "I'm not sorry! You are due more respect than what is given by her comment as we all are. She could have used better words than that. I believe that she knows better than that. After all you never used that type of language!. She can do what she wants but she should show respect for others. She demands respect from others she should also give it. I know when she sees this she will be offended and upset. The same offence that everybody else had by her langauge.. If this causes a big problem so be it. You have to take a stand for whats right or just keep getting run over, My children have enough thrown at them by evil I dont really want them to go to their grandmothers facebook and see that type of language from their aunt. And by turning your head to it you are accepting it.. There was a talk by Dallen H Oaks that talks about this in general conference, He said that your standards should not be bent for children or anyone that impose their low standard or way of living. Basically stand for whats right. We can learn from the example of sodom and gamorah. We must hold strong to our standards.. I will not let R rated movies in my home, Why would I accept this type of language in my home thru your facebook! and I will not stand by and say that is" just her". If she is offended so be it... The scriptures teach us that the guilty taketh the truth to be hard for it cutith them to the very center.. She knows right from wrong, she knows it not right, we should not and can not turn a blind eye to it.. If this continues I will have to defriend you from mine and my childrens facebook. There is a battle going on we must fight to the bitter end. I know that you love chris and I understand I have a son that has choosen a path that isnt right, I will not accept it and not allow it in my home, and it is painfull. The more you let things pass and are accepting of them the more they become a part of you. Look at Lots wife!! I will not accept it Im hit with enough evil all day I dont need it in my home also.. If you asked all of your other children Im sure they feel the same way they are just not bold enough to say... It dosnt mean that I dont care for Chris, she is a child of God and He loves her. But I have a stewardship that has to be taken seriously... I will controll what I can and pray for help on the other... We love you dont take any of this wrong. As President Hinkley said you must stand for something... And just standing by is not standing for something.."
YES, this was all on her Wall, so all could see....continued
Jacqueline Corey commented on her status.
Jacqueline wrote: "From the strict interpretation of the law, you are absolutely correct. Nevertheless, in the parable of the prodigal son the prodigal was accepted back without judgement, without reprimand, the ring of his priesthood was restored and a feast was held in his honor - rejoicing! The other son was surly, selfish and self righteous. He had been living with the father and had received all that the father had. He was guilty of the sin of lovelessness. He could have said, "Oh, that brother of mine. I'm so glad to see him back." Yes, I realize the prodigal son was returning to righteousness, and Chris is not returning... yet. Nevertheless, we can be assured that the fatherof the two sons, who represents Elohim or Jehovah, stood watching at the window, and when he saw the familiar shape of his body and steps of his walk, he ran to meet him with his arms outstretched and embraced him. And the son said, "I'm not worthy. Let me be thy servant." When the parable ends, the judgemental, Pharisaical son refused to attend the father's feast - a chair at the Celestial table. The parable should be called the parable of the loving father, and that is who I am trying to emulate. In the 12th Chapter of I Corinthians, Paul says, "I will now show you a more excellent way." He then gives Chaper 13 of I Corinthians which is on charity (love). Eric, we both want the same thing, I want Chris to return to full fellowship, you want Austin to do the same. Which path is correct - the Pharisees' path or "the more excellent way"?"
Eric Calaway commented on your status.
Eric wrote: "Jacquiline, your interpretation of this parable is off... Are you comparing me to the surly son? I believe the more excellent way is standing up for your values. My point is I have a stewardship over my family, I don't want my children going to facebook and on your site seeing language like what was posted. By you allowing it is giving license to such behavior. That is my point..."
He/she had NO IDEA what point they just made. This is when the emailing began. Here is my response to all this, and the "wonderful" responses that came back.
Chris Peterson Rucker February 28 at 6:19pm
Eric,
I am sorry that you chose to be offended by my comment to my mom. That was not my intention. I was amazed, shocked, and totally disappointed in how you responded. There are ways that are more loving and more accepting, and of course less judgmental than what you responded, and in the way you did it.
I do demand respect, but not in the same way as you choose too. This is very obvious in the way you responded on my mom's site. It shows me and others how judgmental you are, by the way you need to express what you feel in a demeaning way...yelling for respect but yet showing it in a disrespectful way is confusing to me. I hope you feel better. I hope that this has brought you peace.
To me it has only brought pain and hurt. This is not what I am about. If you do not wish to see any of my comments on mutual friends sites, control it...block me. Simple. It will not offend me one bit. It proves to me again and again, that the judging is there, and that you hide behind religion in doing so. This is saddening. You have to quote apostles and prophets to express how you choose to be... where did "being who you really are" come into play? I do not need a religion or quotes from men to be who I really am... It is no wonder you have had problems with your children and there will be more issues, trust me on this. So Eric....If you can not handle the heat...get out of the kitchen...block me... In the meantime, you are not my friend for a reason. So respect that, and when you have a comment on a mutual friends page where you just have to "Stand up" for what you feel is right, have some respect in not airing it all over FB so that YOU can feel better. It is pitiful, and just shows your hate rather than concern, love, and acceptance. I will not tip toe around you so that you can feel comfortable with the comments I make on facebook. So get over it dude... get the fuck over it and grow the fuck up and stop hiding behind religion to make your points with me, because it really does not matter to me...not one single bit...
Much love to you Eric, and your family...
The relative you just fucked up the ass....
Chris
P.S. next time you feel that you feel the need to call me to repentance and you feel that you want to STAND UP for what you believe, maybe you could just call me and tell me...I really do not expect you to take me up on that offer, because to be honest, I feel you do not have the balls to do it...so if you grow some balls anytime soon, call me and we can discuss what really is your issue with me, and to be honest I do not feel it is just because of the word FUCK!!! LOL
Eric Calaway February 28 at 7:08pm Report
Chris,
First of all I wasn't offended by your comment to your mother. And I didn't call you to repentance, all I did was tell your mom to not let your post with foul langauge on her facebook site. You can do what you want I really don't care thats up to you. You have the freedom to choose and act anyway you want. That doesn't mean that the rest of the world has to sit back and tolorate it. I was just letting your mother know that there are children that have access to her page and she needs to (and you) need to keep it clean. You seem to love to push people around with your behavior and if anybody challenges you, you get offended. Whether you believe it or not there is a scripture that defines this ( the guilty taketh the truth to be hard for it cutith them to the very center.) You can act anyway you want it's your right. But have the decency to respect others.. Like your Mother, she has standards and beliefs and you spit in her face by your disrespect to her by your comments. Of course you know that don't you. I believe that you are very smart and you know what you're doing... See I notice that you used alot of bad language at the end of your post just to spite me. It doesn't bother me I use to own a trucking company and I'm use to that kind of nonsence. Its to bad that your offended by the post between me and your mother it really had nothing to do with you. I know that you can't help your language or can you?? And as far as having problems with my kids. Thank you. Thats why I don't approve of your post to your mother, The last thing I want my children to do is to think that just because their aunt chris can use that type of language that they can too. Thank you for helping me there... And if you want to talk to me call me my number is ( deleted the number for privacy sake...do not want anyone calling him after they read this...lol XXXXXXXXXX) I would love to talk to you... I dont have your number.
I was so done after this. I do not want people like this in my life, family or not. So I responded, and really thought it would end. It didn't you will see.
Chris Peterson Rucker March 1 at 5:09am
If you want my number bad enough...you will find it... I have nothing to say to you Eric...what happened yesterday shows me "who you really are" and make no mistake, people like you are NOT the ones I have in my life now... Take care
Eric Calaway March 2 at 9:27am Report
HI
Eric Calaway March 2 at 9:28am Report
Hope your having a great day....
I KNOW crazy huh? Well this is when I ended it. I responded with this last email and then blocked him and reported him to Facebook as harassing me. He just could not do it himself. I will not be treated this way period, the end.
Chris Peterson Rucker March 2 at 4:59pm
WTF? You are relentless. Do me a favor....READ THIS CLOSELY....
Make no mistake, people like YOU are NOT the ones I have in my life now...
Plain and simple...FUCK OFF!!!!
It is all quiet now. Have not heard a peep from him/her. I helped them out with that. They could not do it on their own.
The ultimately sad part about this though is that even though my Mom "stood up" for me. She did not "really" stand up for me. It was not genuine. So I had to cut her and my step father out of my life also. The peace has come, but a lesson has been learned.
So my point in sharing this is this. I have learned over the years, and trust me it has not been easy, that it is ok to CUT those that spitefully use you to make themselves feel better than someone. It is ok to let it go and not have people in your life that cause unnecessary drama, even if it is family. It is "who you really are" and how you are truly "being" that matters. If others can not see nor understand, that you are being true to yourself, and also allowing others to do the same, that truly is their issue and no one else's even if they may feel differently, and even if they are family. It truly is a choice. We all make them. What choice will you make? What is your next "act" going to be on the "stage" we call life? I am not sure about my next "act", but I will tell you this....it will be an adventure, and one that I look forward too.
Much love to all, and may you be strong and believe in yourself, because that truly is all that matters.
I found out who, in my family, the one I grew up in, really thinks of me. I am going to post what was posted on a social networking site, that we all are familiar with as Facebook. I want all to understand what happened and how it was dealt with, but also to perhaps understand, that it was an experience that helped me realize who this person is. Who I had to CUT.
It all began with a text. I woke up and there was a text from my Mom. It read : "My heart hurts". I did not get that text until I woke up the next morning. It was sent to me while I was sleeping. My first thought was, " I hope she is not having a heart attack!" But then, I know my Mom and realized someone must have hurt her. So I texted her back, kinda knowing she would not be up yet and I responded with "Why is your heart hurting? Who hurt you? " I did not hear from her. So I got on Facebook and checked out her site. She posted:
Jacqueline Corey's status
Jacqueline wrote: Being a Mom can be so painful.
I made a comment and it was this:
Chris Peterson Rucker commented on Jacqueline Corey's status.
Chris wrote: Only if you let it...You have done the best you can and that truly is all that is required and matters...if some can not see it...well fuck them...that is my philosophy and it has worked for me. Whatever happened to not "participating" ??? Do I have to send that lil note back to you??? Love you Mom...I am here for you...Now buck up and let it roll off ...That is what I do and trust me...It works wonders...LOVE YOU...Do you feel that??? GOOD ...because that is all that matters... :) <3
A few hours later here are the things that began a war with my brother-in-law/and sister, my Mom, and me.
Here is the comment made after my comment:
Eric Calaway commented on Jacqueline Corey's status.
Eric wrote: "You know Chris there are alot of young kids that have Jacqueline as a friend, and read her posting. Please show some self control and respect for others and control your language, And show some respect to your mother I know she dosent appreciate it at all."
This is when the "war" began:
Jacqueline Corey commented on her status.
Jacqueline wrote: "Thank you, Eric. I know and love Chris as she is. The language goes with it. I have learned to speak for myself and I feel she is more controlled that ever. No I did not take down your post, but if I could, I would send both of you to your room until you can hug and say "I'm sorry!""
Eric Calaway commented on Jacqueline Corey's status.
Eric wrote: "I'm not sorry! You are due more respect than what is given by her comment as we all are. She could have used better words than that. I believe that she knows better than that. After all you never used that type of language!. She can do what she wants but she should show respect for others. She demands respect from others she should also give it. I know when she sees this she will be offended and upset. The same offence that everybody else had by her langauge.. If this causes a big problem so be it. You have to take a stand for whats right or just keep getting run over, My children have enough thrown at them by evil I dont really want them to go to their grandmothers facebook and see that type of language from their aunt. And by turning your head to it you are accepting it.. There was a talk by Dallen H Oaks that talks about this in general conference, He said that your standards should not be bent for children or anyone that impose their low standard or way of living. Basically stand for whats right. We can learn from the example of sodom and gamorah. We must hold strong to our standards.. I will not let R rated movies in my home, Why would I accept this type of language in my home thru your facebook! and I will not stand by and say that is" just her". If she is offended so be it... The scriptures teach us that the guilty taketh the truth to be hard for it cutith them to the very center.. She knows right from wrong, she knows it not right, we should not and can not turn a blind eye to it.. If this continues I will have to defriend you from mine and my childrens facebook. There is a battle going on we must fight to the bitter end. I know that you love chris and I understand I have a son that has choosen a path that isnt right, I will not accept it and not allow it in my home, and it is painfull. The more you let things pass and are accepting of them the more they become a part of you. Look at Lots wife!! I will not accept it Im hit with enough evil all day I dont need it in my home also.. If you asked all of your other children Im sure they feel the same way they are just not bold enough to say... It dosnt mean that I dont care for Chris, she is a child of God and He loves her. But I have a stewardship that has to be taken seriously... I will controll what I can and pray for help on the other... We love you dont take any of this wrong. As President Hinkley said you must stand for something... And just standing by is not standing for something.."
YES, this was all on her Wall, so all could see....continued
Jacqueline Corey commented on her status.
Jacqueline wrote: "From the strict interpretation of the law, you are absolutely correct. Nevertheless, in the parable of the prodigal son the prodigal was accepted back without judgement, without reprimand, the ring of his priesthood was restored and a feast was held in his honor - rejoicing! The other son was surly, selfish and self righteous. He had been living with the father and had received all that the father had. He was guilty of the sin of lovelessness. He could have said, "Oh, that brother of mine. I'm so glad to see him back." Yes, I realize the prodigal son was returning to righteousness, and Chris is not returning... yet. Nevertheless, we can be assured that the fatherof the two sons, who represents Elohim or Jehovah, stood watching at the window, and when he saw the familiar shape of his body and steps of his walk, he ran to meet him with his arms outstretched and embraced him. And the son said, "I'm not worthy. Let me be thy servant." When the parable ends, the judgemental, Pharisaical son refused to attend the father's feast - a chair at the Celestial table. The parable should be called the parable of the loving father, and that is who I am trying to emulate. In the 12th Chapter of I Corinthians, Paul says, "I will now show you a more excellent way." He then gives Chaper 13 of I Corinthians which is on charity (love). Eric, we both want the same thing, I want Chris to return to full fellowship, you want Austin to do the same. Which path is correct - the Pharisees' path or "the more excellent way"?"
Eric Calaway commented on your status.
Eric wrote: "Jacquiline, your interpretation of this parable is off... Are you comparing me to the surly son? I believe the more excellent way is standing up for your values. My point is I have a stewardship over my family, I don't want my children going to facebook and on your site seeing language like what was posted. By you allowing it is giving license to such behavior. That is my point..."
He/she had NO IDEA what point they just made. This is when the emailing began. Here is my response to all this, and the "wonderful" responses that came back.
Chris Peterson Rucker February 28 at 6:19pm
Eric,
I am sorry that you chose to be offended by my comment to my mom. That was not my intention. I was amazed, shocked, and totally disappointed in how you responded. There are ways that are more loving and more accepting, and of course less judgmental than what you responded, and in the way you did it.
I do demand respect, but not in the same way as you choose too. This is very obvious in the way you responded on my mom's site. It shows me and others how judgmental you are, by the way you need to express what you feel in a demeaning way...yelling for respect but yet showing it in a disrespectful way is confusing to me. I hope you feel better. I hope that this has brought you peace.
To me it has only brought pain and hurt. This is not what I am about. If you do not wish to see any of my comments on mutual friends sites, control it...block me. Simple. It will not offend me one bit. It proves to me again and again, that the judging is there, and that you hide behind religion in doing so. This is saddening. You have to quote apostles and prophets to express how you choose to be... where did "being who you really are" come into play? I do not need a religion or quotes from men to be who I really am... It is no wonder you have had problems with your children and there will be more issues, trust me on this. So Eric....If you can not handle the heat...get out of the kitchen...block me... In the meantime, you are not my friend for a reason. So respect that, and when you have a comment on a mutual friends page where you just have to "Stand up" for what you feel is right, have some respect in not airing it all over FB so that YOU can feel better. It is pitiful, and just shows your hate rather than concern, love, and acceptance. I will not tip toe around you so that you can feel comfortable with the comments I make on facebook. So get over it dude... get the fuck over it and grow the fuck up and stop hiding behind religion to make your points with me, because it really does not matter to me...not one single bit...
Much love to you Eric, and your family...
The relative you just fucked up the ass....
Chris
P.S. next time you feel that you feel the need to call me to repentance and you feel that you want to STAND UP for what you believe, maybe you could just call me and tell me...I really do not expect you to take me up on that offer, because to be honest, I feel you do not have the balls to do it...so if you grow some balls anytime soon, call me and we can discuss what really is your issue with me, and to be honest I do not feel it is just because of the word FUCK!!! LOL
Eric Calaway February 28 at 7:08pm Report
Chris,
First of all I wasn't offended by your comment to your mother. And I didn't call you to repentance, all I did was tell your mom to not let your post with foul langauge on her facebook site. You can do what you want I really don't care thats up to you. You have the freedom to choose and act anyway you want. That doesn't mean that the rest of the world has to sit back and tolorate it. I was just letting your mother know that there are children that have access to her page and she needs to (and you) need to keep it clean. You seem to love to push people around with your behavior and if anybody challenges you, you get offended. Whether you believe it or not there is a scripture that defines this ( the guilty taketh the truth to be hard for it cutith them to the very center.) You can act anyway you want it's your right. But have the decency to respect others.. Like your Mother, she has standards and beliefs and you spit in her face by your disrespect to her by your comments. Of course you know that don't you. I believe that you are very smart and you know what you're doing... See I notice that you used alot of bad language at the end of your post just to spite me. It doesn't bother me I use to own a trucking company and I'm use to that kind of nonsence. Its to bad that your offended by the post between me and your mother it really had nothing to do with you. I know that you can't help your language or can you?? And as far as having problems with my kids. Thank you. Thats why I don't approve of your post to your mother, The last thing I want my children to do is to think that just because their aunt chris can use that type of language that they can too. Thank you for helping me there... And if you want to talk to me call me my number is ( deleted the number for privacy sake...do not want anyone calling him after they read this...lol XXXXXXXXXX) I would love to talk to you... I dont have your number.
I was so done after this. I do not want people like this in my life, family or not. So I responded, and really thought it would end. It didn't you will see.
Chris Peterson Rucker March 1 at 5:09am
If you want my number bad enough...you will find it... I have nothing to say to you Eric...what happened yesterday shows me "who you really are" and make no mistake, people like you are NOT the ones I have in my life now... Take care
Eric Calaway March 2 at 9:27am Report
HI
Eric Calaway March 2 at 9:28am Report
Hope your having a great day....
I KNOW crazy huh? Well this is when I ended it. I responded with this last email and then blocked him and reported him to Facebook as harassing me. He just could not do it himself. I will not be treated this way period, the end.
Chris Peterson Rucker March 2 at 4:59pm
WTF? You are relentless. Do me a favor....READ THIS CLOSELY....
Make no mistake, people like YOU are NOT the ones I have in my life now...
Plain and simple...FUCK OFF!!!!
It is all quiet now. Have not heard a peep from him/her. I helped them out with that. They could not do it on their own.
The ultimately sad part about this though is that even though my Mom "stood up" for me. She did not "really" stand up for me. It was not genuine. So I had to cut her and my step father out of my life also. The peace has come, but a lesson has been learned.
So my point in sharing this is this. I have learned over the years, and trust me it has not been easy, that it is ok to CUT those that spitefully use you to make themselves feel better than someone. It is ok to let it go and not have people in your life that cause unnecessary drama, even if it is family. It is "who you really are" and how you are truly "being" that matters. If others can not see nor understand, that you are being true to yourself, and also allowing others to do the same, that truly is their issue and no one else's even if they may feel differently, and even if they are family. It truly is a choice. We all make them. What choice will you make? What is your next "act" going to be on the "stage" we call life? I am not sure about my next "act", but I will tell you this....it will be an adventure, and one that I look forward too.
Much love to all, and may you be strong and believe in yourself, because that truly is all that matters.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Something with Vibrations
I read something yesterday that made me relate to a moment. I read about vibrational levels and energy, that we as humans. emit from our forms. I know, sounds all crazy and "out there". However, if you think about it, it all makes sense. I had one of those " make sense" moments. It is when something just seems to click. It is like you lost the concept of it, but all of a sudden you remember the concept and then it just makes total sense? I had a simple moment when the above happened. It is when my soul got a tattoo.
It was evening time and Rick, (he is my lifetime partner)and I were resting in our bed. This has become my favorite time of everyday. The time we are in our room getting ready to go to sleep. It is the time that he and I are just being, and enjoying each others presence. We share our thoughts and concerns, and we laugh about somethings that just seem so ridiculous. You know emotionally connect. What happened that evening was where I felt soul connected to another human. I felt connected to Rick, in a way I have NEVER felt before. It made me humble!
Rick was sprawled out on the bed laying kiddie cornered across the bed. I was sitting up and his head was cradled in my lap. We were watching some T.V. show. I love to touch others, but most of all Rick. So I began to slowly rub his upper back and down his arms, rubbing his head and scalp and playing in his hair. I was just knowing his physical form. Then it hit me! My heart began to swell. I was experiencing joy like I never felt it before. As I rubbed very lightly Rick's back I began to feel this low vibration. Something like a humming/tickling, but through my hands. It was warming. It was relaxing Rick, but making my joyful feeling INTENSE. Then the concept hit me! I was grateful to have Rick there, in physical form. I had an awakening to the fact, that I knew Rick before we were in physical form. We vibrate at the same energy wave length. We KNEW each other before! We found each other, just as I knew we promised each other we would do when we were just energy sources. That is when my heart rejoiced for my GOD. I have my wonderful friend with me to continue my life journey with. I could literally feel him. I could feel his energy source/soul, through my hands! I knew right then that Rick is my soul mate!
I did not share what I was feeling with Rick, right at that moment. I waited for a day or two, and then I told him what my experience was, and how I perceived it. Of course, he understands, or at least tries too. He too feels something is special, and deeper than usual between us.
Rick is special enough to me, to have been tattooed on my soul.
It was evening time and Rick, (he is my lifetime partner)and I were resting in our bed. This has become my favorite time of everyday. The time we are in our room getting ready to go to sleep. It is the time that he and I are just being, and enjoying each others presence. We share our thoughts and concerns, and we laugh about somethings that just seem so ridiculous. You know emotionally connect. What happened that evening was where I felt soul connected to another human. I felt connected to Rick, in a way I have NEVER felt before. It made me humble!
Rick was sprawled out on the bed laying kiddie cornered across the bed. I was sitting up and his head was cradled in my lap. We were watching some T.V. show. I love to touch others, but most of all Rick. So I began to slowly rub his upper back and down his arms, rubbing his head and scalp and playing in his hair. I was just knowing his physical form. Then it hit me! My heart began to swell. I was experiencing joy like I never felt it before. As I rubbed very lightly Rick's back I began to feel this low vibration. Something like a humming/tickling, but through my hands. It was warming. It was relaxing Rick, but making my joyful feeling INTENSE. Then the concept hit me! I was grateful to have Rick there, in physical form. I had an awakening to the fact, that I knew Rick before we were in physical form. We vibrate at the same energy wave length. We KNEW each other before! We found each other, just as I knew we promised each other we would do when we were just energy sources. That is when my heart rejoiced for my GOD. I have my wonderful friend with me to continue my life journey with. I could literally feel him. I could feel his energy source/soul, through my hands! I knew right then that Rick is my soul mate!
I did not share what I was feeling with Rick, right at that moment. I waited for a day or two, and then I told him what my experience was, and how I perceived it. Of course, he understands, or at least tries too. He too feels something is special, and deeper than usual between us.
Rick is special enough to me, to have been tattooed on my soul.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Tough Love
We have all heard it. Tough Love. That is exactly what it is. TOUGH! I have experienced this with several of my children. I have 5 children. There is one time that I will never forget. One time that was VERY TOUGH! This is what happened.
It came time to say good bye to my son Brandon. He was 19 years old in 2003. He had been living with me and he was not doing anything with his life. I was making it easy for him to be irresponsible. I had just gone through a long over due divorce,(this was #2 divorce) and I was making a huge life change, by relocating to another part of the US. I was moving from Dayton, Ohio to Phoenix, AZ. I was taking my daughters with me, but I had decided that I could not take Brandon. It was going to be hard not having him close, but I knew, as a mother, that I needed to do this so that he would be FORCED to grow up. The time came when we had to go our separate ways. My daughters and I were packed up and were leaving early the next morning. The door shut behind Brandon. I placed my hand on the door and began to hug the door for support as the gut wrenching sobs escaped my lips. I was leaving my oldest child. I was leaving my son. So many questions ran through my mind, like "Will he be okay? Will he take this time to get his life together? Will he forever hate me because I am not taking him with me?" I wanted to run after him. I wanted to hold him like a baby again, but I knew I couldn't. So I just slid to the floor and sobbed.
I made the long trip with my daughters to Arizona. During the years that I was here Brandon slowly began to get his life in order. He learned many things. He had dropped out of high school and during this "away" time he got his GED. He also got a job working as an electrician, and that is when he found his niche. He worked hard and after about 3 years of being away from all family, and on his own, he began to be successful. He had lived with several friends and their families and was able to finally get his own place to live. He bought a truck and then a car. He got a job with a well known electric company in Dayton, Ohio and his employer was paying for his college courses. He was doing just what I hoped he would do when he was placed in a tough situation. He was doing me proud!
Then it happened. After 6 LONG years without him close. He decided to make the move here to Phoenix, Az. It has been a year this month of April, that I flew out to Dayton, Ohio, helped him pack up, and we drove cross country to Phoenix, AZ. He stayed with me at my home, for only a few months. He is not use to living with others anymore, and he likes to do things on his own.
I sat back and watched what he has learned over these years of being away. Here are only a few things that I can see he has learned. He has learned that when you want something you make it HAPPEN. He told me that he would have a job within 2 weeks of moving here, and he did just that. He got a job and has been working ever since. He found an apartment of his own 4 months after he moved here. He sold his car that he brought with him from Ohio and bought a new one that he had painted the color he wanted. He wanted a certain style of sofa for his apartment and he bought it when he accumulated the cash to buy it.
So I sit here and I look back at that moment. I still hurt from it because I am a mother, but I am so proud to now look at my son and see that he took that opportunity, to not buckle under, but to rise above and make it work for him to be a responsible young man. He has told me that he was upset at the time, that I did not take him with me, but that now he is grateful that I did what I did. He has said that it was the BEST thing I have done for him in his life, and to not ever feel guilty for it. He has told this to me many times and now I am beginning to believe it. Now I love and share my time with him. I treasure it. I admire him, and what he has done with his life. He is my son!
This has been one of the toughest things I have done. I now KNOW what Tough Love is and to be honest, as time has taken its toll, it really does not seem so Tough after all.
It came time to say good bye to my son Brandon. He was 19 years old in 2003. He had been living with me and he was not doing anything with his life. I was making it easy for him to be irresponsible. I had just gone through a long over due divorce,(this was #2 divorce) and I was making a huge life change, by relocating to another part of the US. I was moving from Dayton, Ohio to Phoenix, AZ. I was taking my daughters with me, but I had decided that I could not take Brandon. It was going to be hard not having him close, but I knew, as a mother, that I needed to do this so that he would be FORCED to grow up. The time came when we had to go our separate ways. My daughters and I were packed up and were leaving early the next morning. The door shut behind Brandon. I placed my hand on the door and began to hug the door for support as the gut wrenching sobs escaped my lips. I was leaving my oldest child. I was leaving my son. So many questions ran through my mind, like "Will he be okay? Will he take this time to get his life together? Will he forever hate me because I am not taking him with me?" I wanted to run after him. I wanted to hold him like a baby again, but I knew I couldn't. So I just slid to the floor and sobbed.
I made the long trip with my daughters to Arizona. During the years that I was here Brandon slowly began to get his life in order. He learned many things. He had dropped out of high school and during this "away" time he got his GED. He also got a job working as an electrician, and that is when he found his niche. He worked hard and after about 3 years of being away from all family, and on his own, he began to be successful. He had lived with several friends and their families and was able to finally get his own place to live. He bought a truck and then a car. He got a job with a well known electric company in Dayton, Ohio and his employer was paying for his college courses. He was doing just what I hoped he would do when he was placed in a tough situation. He was doing me proud!
Then it happened. After 6 LONG years without him close. He decided to make the move here to Phoenix, Az. It has been a year this month of April, that I flew out to Dayton, Ohio, helped him pack up, and we drove cross country to Phoenix, AZ. He stayed with me at my home, for only a few months. He is not use to living with others anymore, and he likes to do things on his own.
I sat back and watched what he has learned over these years of being away. Here are only a few things that I can see he has learned. He has learned that when you want something you make it HAPPEN. He told me that he would have a job within 2 weeks of moving here, and he did just that. He got a job and has been working ever since. He found an apartment of his own 4 months after he moved here. He sold his car that he brought with him from Ohio and bought a new one that he had painted the color he wanted. He wanted a certain style of sofa for his apartment and he bought it when he accumulated the cash to buy it.
So I sit here and I look back at that moment. I still hurt from it because I am a mother, but I am so proud to now look at my son and see that he took that opportunity, to not buckle under, but to rise above and make it work for him to be a responsible young man. He has told me that he was upset at the time, that I did not take him with me, but that now he is grateful that I did what I did. He has said that it was the BEST thing I have done for him in his life, and to not ever feel guilty for it. He has told this to me many times and now I am beginning to believe it. Now I love and share my time with him. I treasure it. I admire him, and what he has done with his life. He is my son!
This has been one of the toughest things I have done. I now KNOW what Tough Love is and to be honest, as time has taken its toll, it really does not seem so Tough after all.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Why I Left the Mormon Church
I have had many ask me why I left the Mormon church. They ask because I have been very active in the religion; Growing up in the church, being married twice in the temple, being a Relief Society President. So who would not be curious?
I soul searched on this one, because I really am not wanting to "bash" the Mormon Church. I thought DEEP. I found the TRUE reason why. It is very simple, and here it is....
I sat on the bed rehashing what I had just read. ( Conversations With God book 1 ) I felt a feeling of complete peace. I had not felt that in years, and especially at this time in my life when I was being re-birthed from a traumatic life event/illness. I began to gain a consciousness; an understanding of My God. It changed from what I was taught to believe. It changed right at that moment. My soul was elated. It was something that deep in my heart, rang TRUE, more than any other time in my life. I then understood God to be an energy life source. An energy of Absolute Truth and Pure Love. One that I, nor anyone in human form, could fully comprehend. I began to KNOW this.
That is when I left the Mormon Church. My understanding of God changed. I no longer believed in the Joesph Smith Vision Story. I began to understand that vision, but in a completely different perspective. It was holy. It was holy to Joseph Smith. That was his vision, no one else's. However, I began to know that if I had that vision it would have been the way I, personally, would understand. God needed to be two male personages in his vision. That is what Joesph Smith understood, that is what he needed to see. I know, without a doubt, that God is not a male. He is an energy. When that view changed for me the principles, and much of the doctrine, completely STOPPED making sense to me.
Over the many years I was a Mormon, there were things that I had experienced ,that would have caused many to leave the church. I did not leave. I kept trying to live the religion. Many of the experiences were due to humans, so I look at it like this. We are all human. Human's error.
This understanding for me, has made me stronger.
It makes sense.
That is why I left the Mormon Church.
The reason is simple.
My understanding of God changed.
I soul searched on this one, because I really am not wanting to "bash" the Mormon Church. I thought DEEP. I found the TRUE reason why. It is very simple, and here it is....
I sat on the bed rehashing what I had just read. ( Conversations With God book 1 ) I felt a feeling of complete peace. I had not felt that in years, and especially at this time in my life when I was being re-birthed from a traumatic life event/illness. I began to gain a consciousness; an understanding of My God. It changed from what I was taught to believe. It changed right at that moment. My soul was elated. It was something that deep in my heart, rang TRUE, more than any other time in my life. I then understood God to be an energy life source. An energy of Absolute Truth and Pure Love. One that I, nor anyone in human form, could fully comprehend. I began to KNOW this.
That is when I left the Mormon Church. My understanding of God changed. I no longer believed in the Joesph Smith Vision Story. I began to understand that vision, but in a completely different perspective. It was holy. It was holy to Joseph Smith. That was his vision, no one else's. However, I began to know that if I had that vision it would have been the way I, personally, would understand. God needed to be two male personages in his vision. That is what Joesph Smith understood, that is what he needed to see. I know, without a doubt, that God is not a male. He is an energy. When that view changed for me the principles, and much of the doctrine, completely STOPPED making sense to me.
Over the many years I was a Mormon, there were things that I had experienced ,that would have caused many to leave the church. I did not leave. I kept trying to live the religion. Many of the experiences were due to humans, so I look at it like this. We are all human. Human's error.
This understanding for me, has made me stronger.
It makes sense.
That is why I left the Mormon Church.
The reason is simple.
My understanding of God changed.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
So not ME
I did it twice! I did it twice because the first time felt so good.
This is an experience, that I have to admit, is not me, and who I really am. It is not something I do or have ever done before, or since. It is something I am not to happy with. I am sharing because I KNOW there are those that have felt like I did. I know there are those that have their "moments". This is when I had one of my "moments".
I was so angry. I had just had a person that I was dating, take advantage of me in a way that was disrespectful, inconsiderate, and just down right irresponsible. It all began when I received a disturbing call at 3AM. I heard his voice, and it was in a panic. I was concerned first, because I was woken up out of a dead sleep, and second, because I had lent my car earlier that day to Johnny so that he could be with his father. His father was in the hospital. He was to have a procedure done on his heart the next day and Johnny had no car to travel in. I, being the person I am, volunteered my auto. Now, as I look back, I should have considered more responsibly, all the consequences that lending my vehicle to this man, would entail. I enabled this situation to happen. It was one that I learned from and will NEVER do again. Johnny's voice was in a panic, and he was apologizing for my car. I was shaking my head. My car? What was he talking about? I woke up then. My thinking no longer cloudy. The adrenaline began to rush. I could hear it rushing to my head. I heard him say that he was sorry that he had wrecked my car, and that the police were impounding my car because he has a warrant for his arrest. They are taking him to jail. He said that the police were going to take his cell phone, any moment. I asked him where in the world was he? Was he at the hospital? Was his father ok? To my amazement he told me that he was south of town. He was about 25 miles south of town. He was no where near the hospital. He had gone and picked up a woman and they were using my car to "gal avant" around in. I was livid. The phone dropped the call. That was the last I heard from him for several days. I was fuming!
Several days after this whole incident happened, time took its toll. I was angry, more at myself, than anybody else. How stupid had I been? When I get upset, I get an attitude. It is an attitude of, "Do not fuck with me, because if you do, I will mess you up!" This was one of those days. This was one of those days that I had that attitude.
I pulled up behind a car that had just stopped because the traffic signal up ahead was red. There were three or four cars ahead of the one I just stopped behind. I had my windows down, and I was all "attitude". Off to the right side of my car a car horn began to honk. There was an S10 truck coming out of a shopping plaza and he was trying to get my attention. He wanted me to move forward so that he could get out of the parking lot and onto the main road that I was on. I could not move forward. I looked over at him and said, "What?" as I threw my hands up. He just looked at me and I noticed that it was not only him in the car, but also a woman. He continued to honk, and was staring me down. I had the "attitude". He was going to "get it". That is when it happened the first time.
I threw my car in neutral, and put my emergency brake on, and got out of the car. I stood by my car, looking over the top of it as I started yelling at the dude in the car.
"What do you want?" I yelled, as I was throwing my hands up in the air!
"The light is RED! I can not move forward!"
He stopped honking. He sat in his truck with his woman beside him just staring at me. The woman in the passenger seat said to him, I could see her mouth moving, "Stop!" He just stared me down. I got back in my car released the emergency brake, and put my car into gear. He started honking again! I looked over at him again, and saw him mouth, I could not hear him because he all his windows were rolled up, he said, " Dirty White Whore."
That was it! I had, had it and that is when I did it the second time. I said, "Oh, NO!" and I threw my car in neutral, put the emergency brake on, got out of my car and I started yelling at him!
"You have something to say to me? Get out of your truck and come say it to me! Say it to my face!"
I was walking up to his truck window. I had no fear! I was just FURIOUS!. As I got right up on the trucks window the man would not even look at me. He was looking at the woman in the passenger seat totally turned away from me!
"So you can not even look at me you mother fucker! All big and strong behind your truck, you fucking whimp!"
I still was getting no response. Probably a good thing too! I slowly walked back to my car, looking over my shoulder to see if the man would even try to mouth anything else to me. He didn't. By this time the light had turned green and my car was just sitting in the middle of a busy road. I did not care either. I got back in my car and just to make this man pay for my tantrum I sat there for a few minutes, blocking his exit, and staring at him, daring him to try something else. He didn't. He learned his lesson! I took the brake off, popped my car into gear, turned and looked at him, and then flipped him off, yelling, "Fuck you too, DUDE!" and sped off.
As I drove away. I could not believe what I just did. People here in Phoenix, get killed for doing what I just did. I did it, nothing horrible happened, and I released some frustration that had built up all because of something I chose to allow to happen.
I soon got to my wonderful friends house. When I walked in the door I said,
"You will not believe what I just did, and I did it not once, but twice."
I shared my experience with my friend and he said,
"Yep, you got out of your car twice, because the first time felt so good!"
He was sooo right!
This is an experience, that I have to admit, is not me, and who I really am. It is not something I do or have ever done before, or since. It is something I am not to happy with. I am sharing because I KNOW there are those that have felt like I did. I know there are those that have their "moments". This is when I had one of my "moments".
I was so angry. I had just had a person that I was dating, take advantage of me in a way that was disrespectful, inconsiderate, and just down right irresponsible. It all began when I received a disturbing call at 3AM. I heard his voice, and it was in a panic. I was concerned first, because I was woken up out of a dead sleep, and second, because I had lent my car earlier that day to Johnny so that he could be with his father. His father was in the hospital. He was to have a procedure done on his heart the next day and Johnny had no car to travel in. I, being the person I am, volunteered my auto. Now, as I look back, I should have considered more responsibly, all the consequences that lending my vehicle to this man, would entail. I enabled this situation to happen. It was one that I learned from and will NEVER do again. Johnny's voice was in a panic, and he was apologizing for my car. I was shaking my head. My car? What was he talking about? I woke up then. My thinking no longer cloudy. The adrenaline began to rush. I could hear it rushing to my head. I heard him say that he was sorry that he had wrecked my car, and that the police were impounding my car because he has a warrant for his arrest. They are taking him to jail. He said that the police were going to take his cell phone, any moment. I asked him where in the world was he? Was he at the hospital? Was his father ok? To my amazement he told me that he was south of town. He was about 25 miles south of town. He was no where near the hospital. He had gone and picked up a woman and they were using my car to "gal avant" around in. I was livid. The phone dropped the call. That was the last I heard from him for several days. I was fuming!
Several days after this whole incident happened, time took its toll. I was angry, more at myself, than anybody else. How stupid had I been? When I get upset, I get an attitude. It is an attitude of, "Do not fuck with me, because if you do, I will mess you up!" This was one of those days. This was one of those days that I had that attitude.
I pulled up behind a car that had just stopped because the traffic signal up ahead was red. There were three or four cars ahead of the one I just stopped behind. I had my windows down, and I was all "attitude". Off to the right side of my car a car horn began to honk. There was an S10 truck coming out of a shopping plaza and he was trying to get my attention. He wanted me to move forward so that he could get out of the parking lot and onto the main road that I was on. I could not move forward. I looked over at him and said, "What?" as I threw my hands up. He just looked at me and I noticed that it was not only him in the car, but also a woman. He continued to honk, and was staring me down. I had the "attitude". He was going to "get it". That is when it happened the first time.
I threw my car in neutral, and put my emergency brake on, and got out of the car. I stood by my car, looking over the top of it as I started yelling at the dude in the car.
"What do you want?" I yelled, as I was throwing my hands up in the air!
"The light is RED! I can not move forward!"
He stopped honking. He sat in his truck with his woman beside him just staring at me. The woman in the passenger seat said to him, I could see her mouth moving, "Stop!" He just stared me down. I got back in my car released the emergency brake, and put my car into gear. He started honking again! I looked over at him again, and saw him mouth, I could not hear him because he all his windows were rolled up, he said, " Dirty White Whore."
That was it! I had, had it and that is when I did it the second time. I said, "Oh, NO!" and I threw my car in neutral, put the emergency brake on, got out of my car and I started yelling at him!
"You have something to say to me? Get out of your truck and come say it to me! Say it to my face!"
I was walking up to his truck window. I had no fear! I was just FURIOUS!. As I got right up on the trucks window the man would not even look at me. He was looking at the woman in the passenger seat totally turned away from me!
"So you can not even look at me you mother fucker! All big and strong behind your truck, you fucking whimp!"
I still was getting no response. Probably a good thing too! I slowly walked back to my car, looking over my shoulder to see if the man would even try to mouth anything else to me. He didn't. By this time the light had turned green and my car was just sitting in the middle of a busy road. I did not care either. I got back in my car and just to make this man pay for my tantrum I sat there for a few minutes, blocking his exit, and staring at him, daring him to try something else. He didn't. He learned his lesson! I took the brake off, popped my car into gear, turned and looked at him, and then flipped him off, yelling, "Fuck you too, DUDE!" and sped off.
As I drove away. I could not believe what I just did. People here in Phoenix, get killed for doing what I just did. I did it, nothing horrible happened, and I released some frustration that had built up all because of something I chose to allow to happen.
I soon got to my wonderful friends house. When I walked in the door I said,
"You will not believe what I just did, and I did it not once, but twice."
I shared my experience with my friend and he said,
"Yep, you got out of your car twice, because the first time felt so good!"
He was sooo right!
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